Grieving
Posted by Laura Adams on Thursday, November 29, 2018
I'm not sure how to start this one. I've recently been accused of being selfish and not thinking of my other children and not working through my grief. They don't know i'm going to counseling because i've been silent until now. So for now on, i will be putting my smile on, pretending all is well inside my head and not show outward signs of Grief. i've taken myself out of the fb groups for grieving parents and refuse to post anymore about my pain, save for today.
I will say this, until you have lost a child, destroyed the natural order of things, you just dont know the pain a parent goes through when they grieve. Its a pain i hope you never have to go through. It cuts so deep inside you think you have had a mixer turn on in full speed in a hurricane INSIDE your heart and your mind. It shatters all reality then puts it back together with dollar store duct tape so when the slightest breeze blows, it rips loose and shatters again. Just when you think all is going well and you can do this and you aren't missing them like it was yesterday, a song comes on. A tv show comes on. A memory pops up on fb, to remind you they aren't here to share it with you. You can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Your children are not supposed to go before you. you aren't supposed to have to bury your children, no matter their age. its like a cruel joke life hands you... here, have this adorable child to love with all your being, let them grow up, raise children of their own, nope you're done, and takes that adorable child back.
Your life becomes an amusement park ride you never ever wanted to get on and you cant get off. this is your new life. this is now how it will be. its that curve ball that life hit that went around the building,up a drain pipe, across the roof and into another country then hits you right in the forehead and knocks you flat on your back and takes the wind from your chest.
All the metaphors in the world cant truly describe what you are feeling and you become so frustrated you simply... cry.
then you get called selfish because they say you won't let it go. i let it go when she grew up and had a baby. i let it go when she graduated. i let her go when she moved out of the house onto her own. i let go. and i feel like a failure 110% of the time. Then to have your other children not understand that and say you dont spend enough time with them... well thats the icing on the cake and so here you sit. a total failure as a mother and they expect you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and pretend all is right and well with the world. today is not that day. maybe tomorrow.
I will say this, until you have lost a child, destroyed the natural order of things, you just dont know the pain a parent goes through when they grieve. Its a pain i hope you never have to go through. It cuts so deep inside you think you have had a mixer turn on in full speed in a hurricane INSIDE your heart and your mind. It shatters all reality then puts it back together with dollar store duct tape so when the slightest breeze blows, it rips loose and shatters again. Just when you think all is going well and you can do this and you aren't missing them like it was yesterday, a song comes on. A tv show comes on. A memory pops up on fb, to remind you they aren't here to share it with you. You can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Your children are not supposed to go before you. you aren't supposed to have to bury your children, no matter their age. its like a cruel joke life hands you... here, have this adorable child to love with all your being, let them grow up, raise children of their own, nope you're done, and takes that adorable child back.
Your life becomes an amusement park ride you never ever wanted to get on and you cant get off. this is your new life. this is now how it will be. its that curve ball that life hit that went around the building,up a drain pipe, across the roof and into another country then hits you right in the forehead and knocks you flat on your back and takes the wind from your chest.
All the metaphors in the world cant truly describe what you are feeling and you become so frustrated you simply... cry.
then you get called selfish because they say you won't let it go. i let it go when she grew up and had a baby. i let it go when she graduated. i let her go when she moved out of the house onto her own. i let go. and i feel like a failure 110% of the time. Then to have your other children not understand that and say you dont spend enough time with them... well thats the icing on the cake and so here you sit. a total failure as a mother and they expect you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and pretend all is right and well with the world. today is not that day. maybe tomorrow.
