Lucy Anne

Today is my last post here. If you want to follow my journey, though not much of a journey, you can find me at 
https://griefamothersjourney.weebly.com/

I'm not sure how to start this one. I've recently been accused of being selfish and not thinking of my other children and not working through my grief. They don't know i'm going to counseling because i've been silent until now. So for now on, i will be putting my smile on, pretending all is well inside my head and not show outward signs of Grief. i've taken myself out of the fb groups for grieving parents and refuse to post anymore about my pain, save for today.

I will say this, until you have lost a child, destroyed the natural order of things, you just dont know the pain a parent goes through when they grieve. Its a pain i hope you never have to go through. It cuts so deep inside you think you have had a mixer turn on in full speed in a hurricane INSIDE your heart and your mind. It shatters all reality then puts it back together with dollar store duct tape so when the slightest breeze blows, it rips loose and shatters again. Just when you think all is going well and you can do this and you aren't missing them like it was yesterday, a song comes on.  A tv show comes on. A memory pops up on fb, to remind you they aren't here to share it with you. You can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. 

Your children are not supposed to go before you. you aren't supposed to have to bury your children, no matter their age. its like a cruel joke life hands you... here, have this adorable child to love with all your being, let them grow up, raise children of their own, nope you're done, and takes that adorable child back. 
Your life becomes an amusement park ride you never ever wanted to get on and you cant get off. this is your new life. this is now how it will be. its that curve ball that life hit that went around the building,up a drain pipe, across the roof and into another country then hits you right in the forehead and knocks you flat on your back and takes the wind from your chest. 

All the metaphors in the world cant truly describe what you are feeling and you become so frustrated you simply... cry.

then you get called selfish because they say you won't let it go. i let it go when she grew up and had a baby. i let it go when she graduated. i let her go when she moved out of the house onto her own. i let go. and i feel like a failure 110% of the time. Then to have your other children not understand that and say you dont spend enough time with them... well thats the icing on the cake and so here you sit. a total failure as a mother and they expect you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and pretend all is right and well with the world.  today is not that day. maybe tomorrow.

I've been up searching for you all night. I searched Australia. I searched greece, I searched California. I searched Kaidyns school. I looked everywhere. You weren't there. You just were not there. 

Another Halloween has come and gone. another holiday under my belt with out you. its not the same. seems like you were the glue that held us together. It was not me at all. or if it was i've lost my way. Kaidyn got her braces off yesterday. did you see that smile all the way in heaven? your son turns 9 next month. another birthday without mom.  i cant stop crying. Kaidyn is so over protective of Bailey boo. you should see how good both kids are with her. you should be here. you should be making baby sounds at Mike and Stephs beautiful miracle. you should be fussin with kaidyn over who gets to hold the baby next. Thanksgiving is next and yet another holiday with out you. you wouldn't believe this crazy weather. it was 70 yesterday. i don't know why i write this. maybe it will make me feel better. i just don't know anymore. i miss you more and more every day. i'm supposed to be learning to cope with this... but how? how???

I've become the queen of playing pretend I pretend I'm okay I I pretend my heart doesn't break I pretend there's a big giant hole in my life and I pretend you're still here and pretend you're in Alabama and I pretend everything is okay but but it's not I'm not okay you're not in Alabama there's a huge hole in my heart and you really gone I miss you so much I miss you more everyday why can't you put the bottle down why wh why why why did everything revolves around that stupid bottle I miss you so much.

I loaded more pictures tonight. some Lucy would be yelling at me for. I don't care. I dare her to say something to me about it now. my favorite though was her as Raggedy Anne for Halloween. She was about 4 or 5 yrs old. 
she grew up to hate dolls and thought they were creepy.. i loved this outfit because i made it myself. from the red wig to the little apron, to her make up. i miss you baby girl. 

We'll, your sisters and I are getting matching tattoos. Something we always said we would do but never got the chance. We are getting lil baby elephants because an elephant never forgets and we never forget family. Natasha has been diagnosed with cancer and I feel like I will lose another child, something I can't handle. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. By that logic, I'm superwoman, wonderwoman and iron Man well because I am.  

Every passing day i see signs of you. you pop up on fb, someone will mention something that reminds me of you. I should be used to it by now shouldn't i? but i'm not. i miss you every single day. i think of you off and on all day. when i text the girls to say good morning i want to text you. i miss your snap chats and making you coffee. i miss the good times and the bad times. because they were times we spent together. the tears never seem to stop. they are always right at the edge of my eyes and the tugging is always there on my heart. the Goddess has not taken the pain i feel. i don't want her to. you were always a part of my life. you always will be. I sit at work and look at pictures and think, Lucy would like that as a tattoo. Your sisters and i are getting a tattoo of a baby elephant because an elephant never forgets and you never forget family. i wish you were here so you could get one too. dad misses you too. he taught you to ride a bike for crying out loud. 

Lucy why did you go? i miss you horribly. your family misses you. your kids miss you. your friends miss you. 

this is killing me. 

i looked at your pictures today and updated the site a bit. I will have more pix soon when i go through our storage unit. i laughed at the silly pix of you throwing your tantrum because Keileigh wouldn't eat your ice cream. there was no shame in you doing that. you were having fun. smiling and laughing. living. i miss you.

Every day there are new signs you see and hear us yet i  still feel empty. I miss you like no other. You were one of my closest friends. there just are no words. i love you and i miss you.